I have demons in me.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
