After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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