my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
