we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
