Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
