Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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