But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
two words: eviction party
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
