She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
