Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
