I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
