I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
