dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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