Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
