Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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