I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.