I'm an idiot
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.