I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
