I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
he thought i was a dude.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
