she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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