remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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