Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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