I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
