this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
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