Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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