Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
