glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
