i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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