There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
