break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I could fuck to npr.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
