You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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