My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
