I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
