I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
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my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
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I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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