If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
