Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
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Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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