just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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