I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
