Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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