I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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