My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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