THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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