i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
