My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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