So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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