my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
