The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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