So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
