to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
