im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
