hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Randomize
