I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.