Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins