So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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