just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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