I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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