and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
