420 ftw
one two three fourrrrnication!
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
