since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
