i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
even my farts smell like vagina
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
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