my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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