My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
