Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
