He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
