How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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