i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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