I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
