Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
